EMDScar: A Turning Point in My Mental Health Journey | EMDR Therapy

Backstory Before the Story

For those of you who haven't read the About section of my website, here's a little backstory to preface what I'm about to share. In 2021, my father passed away unexpectedly and that sudden, profound loss, in simple terms, broke me. Since then, I have tried a litany of available options and resources to pull myself out of the extreme depression and anxiety-ridden state that loss left me in. Today I want to talk about what I've been doing recently, what has made the most profound and obvious impact in my mental health journey- EMDR Therapy.

My family recommended EMDR therapy and other resources shortly after my father's passing. But being a guy, I went all "I've got this," on them. Instead, I self-explored all those other options I vaguely alluded to. In doing so I found a modicum of peace and an unsustainable equilibrium. However, as the word implies, it was unsustainable as those other options failed to address the root of my problem. So, I told my family- my sister especially- the two words I hate telling her the most: "You Win." Alternative hated words being "You're right," may have also passed my lips. But the evidence on that is circumstantial. Blah! Even as a grown man I hate admitting my sister is right about stuff. HAHA... Anyway, I admitted I needed real help and I signed up for EMDR Therapy.

Starting EMDR Therapy

When you participate in EMDR therapy (done correctly) you first establish a typical talk therapy relationship with your counselor. During that time, they are supposed to teach you grounding exercises that will later come into play in EMDR but are also just good practices for dealing with your mental health issues should you have a flare-up of emotion.

Not long ago my counselor took me through my first EMDR therapy session. A visualization exercise. There I was sitting upright on the therapy couch, one arm on the armrest the other propped up on a pillow, attempting to image- to visualize my younger self in the room. My therapist told me not to expect obvious results on the first try, that it may take several before a visualization exercise sees real results. Before he could even finish his sentence, visualized sitting under my arm where the pillow had been, was my 5-year-old self.

My First EMDR Experience

Clear as day, my younger self sat next to me on that couch, looking up at me with eyes full of joy. And when I looked down acknowledging little me, he said, "Hey Zack, where's dad?"

My heart leapt out of my chest and attempted to scatter into a million pieces at the words. Hesitating, I said to little me (in my waking imagination- I promise I'm not schizophrenic), "He's not here anymore, he's gone."

Little me didn't understand and asked when he's coming back.

"Zack he's not coming back. He can't. He's passed away," I said, and upon seeing further confusion looking back at me I added, "Zack, dad's dead."

In that moment my visualized version of little me shifted from a state of confusion to an inferno of rage that was so palpable that it scared me out of the visualization exercise. He was screaming in full childhood tantrum mode, pulling at my shirt and bawling his eyes out. I couldn't handle it anymore- it nearly sent me into a panic attack- so I ended the exercise just 30 seconds into it.

The Aftermath

After recentering myself with the help of my counselor, I explained how my visualization played out. He was shocked that I experienced such a vivid result on my first attempt. And explained to me that likely, that is the state of my core- a child longing for his father and enraged by losing him. He told me that, as the nature with therapy, it will likely get worse before it gets better. I told my therapist I didn't want to explore EMDR again and our session pivoted from there.

It's been a couple months since then and I haven't done EMDR since. However, I've realized a profound shift in my mental health journey that I can trace back directly to that experience. I'm lighter, more at-ease, with less of a temper and- as my sister would say (at least I hope)- I'm easier to talk to now too. Last week I asked my counselor if we could go back and start EMDR again. Now I feel that the more I do it, the more it will help me over time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared of what may come of it in the whole "worse before better," scenario. But with how good I feel now from that one session, I think the juice is worth the squeeze.

To the Readers

In the United States, every year, 1 in 5 Americans experience a crisis that negatively affects their emotions. Common examples being financial issues, medical issues, losing a job, a loved one, a breakup- the causes of crisis vary. Only about 30% of women get mental health support and only about 15% of men do. It's important to know that the human brain, our emotions, need consistent care. Just like we take care of our bodies with healthy eating, exercise, and regularly visiting medical professionals- our minds need that level of attention too.

Resources for Getting Help

If you or someone you know is experiencing a life crisis Dial 988. It is the National Crisis Support line. Also, if you would like to explore therapy resources for yourself or your loved ones, I recommend visiting PsychologyToday.com. It's what I used to find my counselor. They have a "Find a Therapist," section that will tell you about the services each one offers, what insurances they take, and lots more details.

Remember, we all need help at some point in our lives. If you ever find yourself in that moment, I hope you'll find the courage to ask for it.