Combat Social Anxiety Around the Holidays

Recognizing the Problem

I’ve been putting a lot of work into myself this year; therapy, coping skills, setting boundaries, and managing expectations. Have you ever noticed that when you reconnect with family or friends you haven’t seen in a long time that you have a tendency to slip backwards into old behaviors? Often giving the perception of stagnation or lack of growth to those you’re reconnecting with. I believe it’s called reactivity.

Reactivity is a change in behavior based upon the audience observing you creating a more positive or negative engagement depending upon the scenario. http://www.wordhippo.com

Basically, you revert to who you last were around those people to subconsciously ensure a known quality of the experience- a controlled environment. Rather than being who you are now and finding out the hard way if it improves or damages your past relationships. This backsliding can cause you to trigger social anxiety and relive past negative experiences, even trauma. It’s subconscious and difficult to fight off without proper preparation.

It’s understandable to let yourself slip back, because change can be unpredictable and scary. However, we worked to improve ourselves so we wouldn’t feel how we used to. We slogged through those therapy sessions and drilled coping skills; we go to the gym and create healthy habits so we could make a better life for ourselves.

How I Combat My Social Anxiety

There are a few things I’ve been doing to push back against this subconscious behavior. I combat my social anxiety with clear communication, establishing boundaries, having an exit plan, and by making time for self-reflection. Here, let me explain:

• Clear Communication: I choose someone in the family or friend group Im seeing to confide in. I tell them what I’ve been doing to improve myself, what my known problems are with social anxiety, and I ask them to support me in my efforts with (x, y, z) expectations/boundaries.

• Establishing Boundaries: I determine ahead of time what behaviors and duration I’m most comfortable with for the event. I tell myself ahead of time what my limits are and what my tolerance level is for others behavior. And I ensure I hold to those boundaries. I lean on that trusted person to help support me in maintaining those boundaries and having the space needed to process things. If I need a few minutes in a quiet space, I will rely on that trusted person to help keep family and friends from violating the space or imposing their version of support that may or may not be constructive for your health journey.

• Have an Exit Plan: Sometimes saying “I’ll stay an hour and then excuse myself,” can be the saving grace to combating social anxiety. Lately, for me at least, simply having the car keys in my pocket is all I need. If I'm having any discomfort, I’ll grip the keys in my pocket and remind myself, “if this feeling doesn’t calm down, I can excuse myself and leave.” It’s important to have an exit plan for social anxiety. It can act as a release valve for your mind. Be careful though, without continuing to work on your anxiety, the exit plan can potentially become a toxic crutch.

• Make Time for Self-Reflection: During the event take some time to check-in with yourself. Perhaps in the bathroom or a moment alone. Ask yourself how you’re doing, are you managing your anxiety, your boundaries, etc. be honest with yourself, and if it’s not going well- what would be the best way to fix things? Does it feel recoverable, or should I just use my exit plan? Conversely, are things going better than expected? Am I comfortable staying longer or doing more?

These have helped me during my growth process. I hope it helps you too if you decide to try it.

Remember, Be Honest

Remember it’s important to be honest with yourself. Pursuing mental health is a lifelong commitment not a short-term goal, the same as physical health needs, exercise, and nutrition. These recommendations may help you, but things will only truly improve when you continue to put in the effort. Engage a professional therapist, learn coping skills, endorse healthy activities, and set constructive achievable goals for yourself.

After the holidays I’ll share my advice for recognizing a good therapist vs. a bad therapist. Stay Tuned! I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences so don’t be afraid to write me!

Happy Holidays.